I had one of those moments today where my stomach felt just as empty as my life, and I was almost at the point of passing out. It was a sudden feeling; a sudden drop right at the bottom of my ribcage. I don’t understand how I can be any clearer about what I feel. Everyone around me thinks I’m a closed book, they all think I’m hiding how I truly feel, and it makes me so angry. Being held and told “It’s okay to cry” is so useless, just let me cry. Enough of this bullshit and just let me be animalistic, cry for what I’ve lost, and just comfort me. Don’t placate me with words from self help guides, and daily emails you receive in the mornings that really help YOU, because they don’t help me, they just make me feel frustrated. Anything I feel I hope it’s with delicate ferocity where nothing can be misunderstood. Others understand, why can’t you?! And then you tell me I’m bottling things up and eventually every thing will explode. I’m not bottling anything up, I let it flow freely & hope it hits everyone around me so they can help. 

There is no method, or rules, or direction of grief. I don’t stop myself feeling things, I just understand how I am feeling and let it happen when it happens. I don’t cry as often as you do, because usually my worst times are at night when I feel the most alone. And something reminds me of her and I have no one to tell.